This is a very special post. (Yes yes, we do have special posts here on the site.) Why? It’s our first interview! Thank you Maria for so graciously agreeing to indulge me in what I can only describe as nonsense (although only because of the questions I asked. Not because I am questioning your athletic dominance in any way.)
I had the good fortune of being classmates with Maria throughout law school and, over the last few months, have become somewhat reliant on her as a muse for the content of the site. To that end I must admit that it is, in fact, due to her suggestive perseverance that the digital world has become just a littleeee more populated by pictures of half-naked men (*cue Cat Taschner golf-clapping and nodding in appreciation.) Consequently, I have been pleasantly surprised to learn over this time that she is the proverbial (albeit slightly unconventional) 5-tool player. How so, you ask?
1. She can write (why must you put me to shame on my own website Maria? WHY??)
2. She can sing
3. She can dance
4. She can ride;
and, most importantly,
5. She can absolutely kick your (my) ass.
The reason I asked to interview her was based on her participation in the Roller Derby (depicted in the picture above), a sport that is currently so underrated it might even be overrated for being underrated. That is, although not prominently fixed in the mainstream, somehow “the derby” has become an iconic, must-see experience for any sports fan. If you asked me to describe it, I’d probably say (although ignorantly so) that it is like the masochistic love child of the lingerie football league and mixed martial arts. Only if, instead of standing on two feet, that child commandeered a stroller and rigged it to fly around the sidewalk at 50 miles an hour. If that was your baby would you be terrified and run after her screaming? You absolutely would. But if that were a video on youtube? Or better yet, if you were an innocent bystander watching it unfold, would you be both fascinated and intrigued? Yes and a resounding Yes. And so….
SG: I guess the first question is…why roller derby? Actually wait, let’s make that question #2. First question. Describe for me your ideal man.
MC: Effff, you have to bust out the hard questions first. My number one requirement is an intense love for unicorns. They are magical creatures and I will not date a man who does not give them the respect they deserve. I am allergic to popped collars and Affliction shirts, so those are both out. If I can outdrink you, deal breaker (sorry tiny Asian men). Physical qualities you say? No back hair, no ball hair, you know what, just wax everything. Big muscles, lots of tattoos, jacked up trucks, and guyliner are always appreciated. (GET IN MY PANTS BILLY JOE FROM GREENDAY.)
SG: Okay so, now that we’ve firmly established I fit half of those categories, tell me: Why roller derby?
MC: A sport where the goal is to hit people as hard you can and knock them over? And you get to do it wearing roller skates and fishnet tights? Plus, skating in the “I have to take a serious shit” position does AMAZING things for your ass.
SG: From the little I know about the sport (and trust me that is littler then I am little), it seems that it’s broken down into two distinct classes of girls. Those that skate really fast and those that are the…enforcers? So to speak. Which are you?
MC: Well, two months into derby, I’m pretty much just trying to not kick myself in the vagina with my own skate. (Is that even possible you ask? Yes, yes it is.) I’m not exactly built to be fast at anything, so I will definitely fall into the “enforcer” category you speak of.
SG: If you could be a professional athlete in any sport (gender barriers aside), what would it be? (excluding the derby which, as far as I’m concerned, you’re already the best in the world at.)
MC: Do you count interpretive dancing as a sport? Pole dancing? Spelling? (Well, they show the spelling bee on ESPN.) I’ll have to go with soccer. I mean, those chicks have HOT bodies.
SG: If you could pick anyone to go one on one with in the ring (aka take a free shot at them) who would it be?
MC: Anyone? Absolutely anyone? Ann Coulter.
SG: Can you teach me how to skate?
SG: If I wanted to play in the derby, what would my name be? Can you give me a nickname or is that one of those “you must earn it” sort of things?
MC: You get to choose your own name! For you, we should go with something Asian and/or tiny…
- Small Stir Fry
- Me Shove You Long Time
- Naughty Ninja; Or my personal favorite for you:
- Big in Japan
SG: When’s your next match so I can tell the people where to go (or else)?
MC: Well, they’re actually called “bouts,” because that sounds so much more bad ass than “match.” I believe the next bout is on August 25…but I’ll have to double check and get back to you on that. For anyone interested in coming to our bouts, people who would like to get involved (we are always looking for players, skating refs, and non-skating refs!), OR people who want to support us by rockinc some sweet roller derby gear, “like” Pacific Roller Derby on Facebook!
(Post-Publication Addition: Leahi Diamond Dolls v. South Shore Sirens: Bout #5 of of Pacific Roller Derby’s home team season at 7pm on
Saturday, Aug 25. Only $7 to get in! – Maria Carmichael)